First You Cry
by islander2411
Summary: Stella discovers a lump and in an instant her entire world changes. This story is dedicated to all those affected by breast cancer. Chapter 2 has been slightly revised and chapter 3 is short but up. I promise more timely updates from now on.
1. Chapter 1 Discovery

First You Cry

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. The title is borrowed from Betty Rollins book on her struggle with breast cancer.

Chapter 1 – Discovery

The alarm went off and Stella moaned as she turned it off. The clock read 6:15 am. Oh how she dreaded Monday mornings. The television remote was on the nightstand and she clicked it on to listen to the news as her morning routine began. After watching for a few moments and seeing that there was nothing unusual in the headlines she got up. Passing the calendar on the wall as she entered the bathroom she noticed today's date was circled in pink. Stella made a mental note of it as she strode to the shower and turned on the water.

The warm water felt good. It was mid October and the weather was beginning to get cold. As she moved her hand over her left breast she froze. Something was not right. She felt again. "What is that?" She thought. Her heart was in her throat. "Oh my God, no it can't be!" She looked down and felt again with the same result. A lump, it was definitely a lump. Now the water was not comforting but a distraction. She turned the handle to off and jumped out of the shower. Quickly drying off she looked in the mirror for any visible sign, nothing. Everything looked perfectly normal. Her hand moved up again to feel the area. "There it is, oh God, oh God please no, please, please no." Tears began to spring from her eyes. Her mind was racing with questions. "How could this be? How long has it been there? Why didn't I feel it earlier? What am I going to do?" Stella was on the verge of losing it when an inner voice took over. "Calm down, take a deep breath, and now take another one. Okay, think this through." She took one last look in the mirror and then donned her robe and headed into the bedroom.

Sitting down on the edge of the bed she reached for her address book in the drawer of the nightstand. "I need to make an appointment with Dr. Phillips." She found the page and quickly dialed the number. A recording delivered the message, "You have reached the office of Dr. Sarah Phillips. Office hours are Monday – Friday from 9:00 am till 4:00 pm except Wednesday when the office closes at 12:00 pm. If this is an emergency …" "Damn!" She screamed as she slammed the cell phone. "I can't wait until 9:00 am! Now what? I need to call the office and let them know I won't be in today. There's no way I can focus on work. What am I going to tell Mac? It's too early for him to be in – hopefully anyway. I can leave a message. That should buy me some time." She thought for a moment and then dialed. The machine picked up and she left the following message. "Mac, it's Stella. Listen, I must have picked up a bug or something. Last night was pretty miserable. I'm better now but exhausted. I'm gonna stay home, turn off the phone and try to get some sleep. With any luck I'll be in tomorrow. Talk to you later."

She glanced at the clock; it read 6:45 am. Now what? What do I do until I can call the doctor? Just then one of Mac's famous quotes popped into her head. "Knowledge is power" She headed for her laptop. For the next two hours Stella scoured the Internet collecting information on breast cancer. By 8:45 she had a well organized folder with sections on screenings, biopsies, diagnosis, and treatment. Stella was slightly comforted by the fact that 80 percent of all lumps are non-cancerous but troubled by the fact that she had no way of knowing her risk factors since her family history was a total mystery. It was time to call the doctor's office again. After a few agonizing moments on hold she was speaking to the doctor and could have an appointment right away. She dressed quickly, grabbed her purse and folder and was out the door as the clock struck 9:00 am.

Mac arrived at the lab around 7:00 am. He wanted to look over the evidence his team had collected on a particularly gruesome murder. As he sat down his eyes moved to the blinking light of the answering machine. A frown formed on his face as he listened to Stella's message. His first instinct was to call and make sure she was okay. He knew she would have to be really sick to stay home. Then again she was always chastising members of the team when they came to work sick and spreading their germs all over the lab; maybe she was finally heeding her own advice. He decided to let her rest. He'd call at the end of the shift and bring her some soup on the way home. He erased the message and opened the folder. It was going to be a long day and on top of the work he had to do he had a nagging worry on his mind, Stella.


	2. Chapter 2 Diagnosis pt1

Chapter 2 Diagnosis

The waiting room was nearly empty when Stella walked in at 9:25 am. She checked in with the nurse and sat down to wait. "Hurry up! Please hurry up." She thought. Moments later she was sitting on an examination table wearing a paper vest instead of her bra and sweater. Stella felt for the lump again secretly hoping that somehow it was all a big mistake and she could go home and forget the whole thing. No luck, it was still there.

The door to the room slid open and Dr. Phillips entered the room. Sarah Phillips was a very straight forward person who wasted no time on chatter and Stella admired that. "Okay Stella, let's see what's going on with you. You said you felt something in your left breast?" She nodded. Stella laid back and as the examination got underway the questions continued. Do you do a monthly self-exam? Again Stella nodded. "Good." Her hands stopped. "Is this what you felt?" Tears sprung in her eyes as she nodded her head once more. Did you check the right side? Stella's eyes got huge. "She shook her head and said in a panicky voice, "Oh, God, no, I mean… I'm not sure… I stopped… "Calm down, it's okay I'll check you out completely, try to relax." Dr. Phillips said as she continued. Her voice was reassuring but every muscle in Stella's body was tense. A moment later it was over. "Okay, Stella, you can get up and get dressed. We'll meet in my office to talk." Before Stella could say anything the doctor was gone.

The wall of Sarah Phillip's office was covered with photos of smiling women and their families. Stella's picture wasn't there. She didn't have any children and up to this moment no serious health issues that weren't job related. She sat down at a small table in the corner where the doctor was seated. Dr. Phillips reached across the table and took Stella's hands in hers. "Stella, I know this has been a very difficult morning for you and you must be very frightened. You did the right thing by coming in. During the examination I did not detect anything abnormal in your right breast, but," she paused and squeezed Stella's hand as she continued, "there is a mass in your left breast." Those words felt like a punch to the stomach. This was now real. Stella nodded and looked down into her lap not wanting to show her fear. "Stella, look at me." No response. "Come on look at me." She said in slightly more forceful tone. Stella looked up and their eyes met. She continued. "I know those are the words every woman dreads hearing and I'm not going to tell you not to worry because that's impossible." She smiled trying to break the tension. What we have to do now is determine if it is a cyst or something more serious. Okay?" Stella nodded again, not yet sure of her voice. As she was about to continue she glanced down at the folder Stella had placed on the table. "I see you have been putting your research skills to use. May I see?" The doctor looked over the contents. "This is very thorough. You have data from some excellent sources." Have you read all of this? Her professional demeanor was kicking in and while still sniffling and shaky she responded, "Uh, yes, most of it." "I should have known you would come in prepared. That's good. You must know then that this could be many things. I need you to take a scientific approach. Evaluate the evidence as it comes in and don't jump to any conclusions. "Stella," she said in a very caring voice, "I know you and understand how difficult it must be for you to cope with something over which you have no control. The best way to deal with this is to focus on one step at a time. First we diagnose, and then we treat. Alright?

"Yes, I understand." She said, dabbing her eyes and trying her best to appear composed.

"Okay then. My nurse is trying to schedule you for a mammogram and ultrasound. The results of those scans will give us a better idea of what we are dealing with. You are free the rest of the day aren't you?

"Today? Stella seemed surprised, worried, and relieved at the same time. She wanted it done quickly but not sure she was ready for the results. You mean both tests could be done today?"

"It's possible. The imaging center we use often has openings on short notice. Now your records indicate you were here not quite 10 weeks ago for your annual check up and nothing was out of the ordinary at that time. Is that correct?"

"Yes, Stella replied, everything was fine."

"And nothing has changed in your physical condition until now?"

"That's right."

"When did you last perform your self exam?"

"I do it in the shower on the 16th of each month. The date is circled in pink on my calendar."

"That's a good plan; I wish more of my patients had a routine like that."

The questions continued for a few minutes and as they were wrapping up the nurse came in with an appointment card. "Ms. Bonasera, would you be able to make a 12:30 pm appointment today?" "Yes, I can make that, what is the address?"

The next few minutes were spent going over possibilities and options. While they wouldn't have the results until the end of the day, Stella realized she would likely have to have a biopsy. Dr. Phillips gave her more handouts on what to expect and prepared a list of surgeons for Stella to review. Biopsy, surgeons, cancer, her mind was spinning. This is getting to be too much.

"Stella, Stella are you all right?" Dr. Phillips said and hearing her name seemed to bring her back. "Oh, uh, yes, I'm fine; this is just so much to take in."

"I understand, believe me. This is a tremendous shock to your system. You got up this morning and everything was fine, and in an instant your whole world came to a stop. It is going to take a while to sink in but we can't wait for you to accept this. We need to move quickly. Now I've arranged to have the results of your tests sent to me immediately. Can you come back around 4:00 pm? By then we'll know what to do next. She could see the fear in her patient's face. "Try to think positive Stella," she said smiling.

The last thing Stella was feeling was positive. "I'll see you at 4:00" she said nervously. "Thanks' Doc." With those words Stella shook Sarah's hand and headed out the door.

"Stella Bonsera?" the nurse called out to a waiting room full of people. It was 12:35 pm. Stella had arrived early to fill out the paperwork and was so immersed in the handouts Dr. Phillips had given her she almost didn't hear her name being called. She closed the folder and followed the nurse into a small room that seemed more like it belonged in a home than in a clinic. It was painted in soft hues with pretty watercolor prints on the walls and fresh flowers on the table. A blond, middle aged woman who'd been sitting at a desk rose to greet her. "Good afternoon Ms. Bonasera, my name is Martha. I'll be conducting your mammogram and ultrasound today. If you have any questions or I can do anything to make this easier for you please let me know. I just need to confirm a few things in your file and then we can get started." Once the questions were answered Martha continued.

"May I call you Stella?"

"Of course."

"Okay, Stella, We'll do the mammogram first. Remove your sweater, bra and any jewelry you have on and place everything in this" she said handing her a plastic bag. "Then put on one of the robes over there." she pointed to a pile of folded terry cloth robes in the corner. "When you're ready gather your things and meet me in the next room.

Stella undressed quickly and reached for one of the robes. It was warm. "They keep them heated, nice touch," she thought as she turned and entered the examination room. It had the same décor as the outer office and Stella realized it was meant to put the patients at ease, as if anything could make this experience easy. "Smash and flash", that's what Stella had jokingly called mammograms. They were always painful and nerve-wracking but up until today they had just been something to endure every couple of years. She blinked back tears as Martha positioned the machine. "Grab the handle, hold your breath … okay let go." The ritual is repeated several more times and then, thankfully it's over.

"Alright Stella, we're all done here. You did very well. You okay?" Stella nodded. Martha smiled. "Good, well one down, one to go. You can put your robe on and when you're ready meet me in the next room for your ultrasound." With that, Martha disappeared behind yet another door and Stella followed quickly.

Martha tried to engage Stella in small talk to ease the tension as she turned on the equipment and smoothed the warm gel over Stella's breast.

As the transducer moved over her skin images began showing up on the screen. Stella wanted to look but was terrified of what she might see. Martha made the decision for her.

"Stella, I know you want to look but I need you to be very still so that I can get the best images possible. Why don't you close your eyes, and try to relax."

Fifteen minutes later it was over. "Okay Stella, we're all done." Stella opened her eyes and sat up. Martha smiled and put her hand on Stella's shoulder.

"You can get dressed and leave through that door when you're ready," she said pointing to a door to the left. "I'll get the images to the radiologist immediately so that he can forward them to your doctor with his findings. We understand how important it is to our patients that the results are read immediately." She smiled and put her hand on Stella's shoulder. Stella managed a weak smile as she reached for the bag with her clothing. She wanted desperately for Martha to tell her what she had seen during the scan but she knew as a technician Martha would not be allowed to speculate. Stella would have to wait a while longer.

"Thank you for everything, Martha, you made this as easy as it could be." "You're welcome Stella, take care."

Stella dressed quickly and exited the clinic. It was 1:30 pm and her appointment with Dr. Phillips wasn't for another 2 1/2 hours. Her stomach growled and she realized that she'd had almost nothing to eat all day. After walking for a bit she stopped at a small café for a salad and sandwich and then walked to a Barnes & Noble Booksellers to kill time. Stella entered the store and stopped almost immediately as her eyes fell upon a large display near the main counter. It was a collection of books about breast cancer in honor of National Breast Cancer Awareness month. "Oh God", she whispered to herself. "Is this an omen? I'm not going to look, not yet because it might be nothing." Trying to keep positive and needing a distraction she moved toward the magazine area. As hard as she tried, her eyes kept wandering back to the front display so she moved to the back of the store where the music and movies were located. Finally she gave up her internal struggle and returned to the display. The time passed quickly as she leafed through titles like; Just get me Through This, **Bosom buddies: lessons and laughter on breast health and cancer**, Uplift: Secrets from the Sisterhood of Breast Cancer Survivors, and First You Cry. She was surprised to see titles for husbands and friends. Most of them talked about the importance of offering love and support. Who would I lean on? One name came to mind, Mac. He'd want to know. He'd be there for me. In fact he'd be upset if I didn't tell him. Well I guess we'll cross that bridge soon enough, she thought. Looking at here watch it was time to go. She left without purchasing anything and walked back to Dr. Phillips office.

Stella did not have to wait once she checked in. The nurse escorted her to Dr. Phillip's office. "Come on in Stella, I have your scans. Let's go over them." She pushed the power button of the screen on the table and the image appeared. Stella didn't need any help in seeing the source of her anxiety. There was a bright spot that clearly didn't belong. "As you can see this is what we are concerned about." Dr. Phillips said as she moved her pen to the area of the screen. She clicked the mouse and the next image appeared. "It appears to be very dense so it's not likely to be a cyst." The sound of another click and the ultrasound images popped up. "Here we see it again. It appears to be about 2 centimeters. It's low in the breast which is good but it looks close to the chest wall so we need to act quickly." Dr. Phillips looked over to Stella. "Stella, are you alright? Do you understand?" Stella was speechless. Her eyes were fixed on the screen. She reached up with her left hand to touch it as if to make it real. At the same time she moved her right hand over to touch her left breast. It didn't seem possible that the lump displayed on the screen could really be inside her. But it was. Tears were forming in the corners of her eyes and she began to shake. "Stella, look at me." Dr. Phillips pushed the screen's power button off to force her to look away from the screen. "We still don't know this is cancerous." She reached for Stella's right hand and held it firmly. "We need to schedule you for a biopsy. Do you want me to make the arrangements?" Forced back to reality Stella transitioned into detective mode. She took a deep breath and brushed away the tears. "Biopsy right, okay, when and where?" "I'll send your scans to Dr. Jobe today. He'll suggest which type of biopsy procedure would be best. You have information in your file on the various types. Do you need me to explain them to you? She shook her head. "I think he'll probably lean towards either the core needle or the vacuum assisted procedure. It all depends on how he feels about the location. Either way it will be done in his office under local anesthesia. It takes about an hour and you can go back to work right after."

"Stella, I know this isn't what you had hoped to hear. Please try to remain positive. It still may be nothing. If on the other hand it is cancer, you've got a lot of things in your favor. We caught this early, you're young and in excellent health. Survival rates for early stages are above 90%." Stella sighed heavily and nodded. "Okay, I'll just have to take this one day at a time. What do I do now?" Well, I assume you want the first available appointment?" "Yes." Okay then I'll call you tomorrow morning as soon as I know. Stella stood up to leave. Dr. Phillips handed her he research folder with some additional information and gently placed her hand on Stella's arm. "Stay strong Stella." "I'm trying." She replied. After thanking her Stella stepped out of the office and headed home.

As she walked down the street she thought about what a difference 24 hours makes. This time yesterday her biggest concern was the large pile of paperwork on her desk. Mac had been bugging her about getting it cleared up. Now she faced cancer, cancer! No, don't do this she thought. Not yet. We don't know that yet. Think positive, in fact try not to think about it at all, at least until we know. God what am I going to do? This is going to drive me crazy, she thought.

Stella entered her apartment, dropped the folder on the table in the hall and went straight back to her bedroom. She changed into sweats and curled up on the bed. All she wanted to do was forget. Forget the shower, the research, Dr. Phillips, Martha, everything. Sleep and maybe she would wake up and it would all be just a bad dream. She closed her eyes and after a long while and a fresh round of tears fell into a fitful sleep.

The clock read 7:00 pm. Mac's day had been insanely busy. His team had processed two new crime scenes with multiple victims and he'd testified in court. There were half a dozen messages he hadn't answered and a pile of paperwork on his desk but none of that mattered. He had only person on his mind - Stella. He'd almost called three different times during the day but stopped knowing what she needed most was rest. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. Deciding he was not going to get anything done until he was sure she was okay he closed the folder on his desk and stood up to leave.

Mac stood just outside Stella's apartment with a container of chicken soup from the deli down the street in one hand and her apartment key in the other. They had long ago given each other keys in case of emergency. He thought about knocking but if she was in bed he didn't want her getting up. He called her cell but it went straight to voice mail. As he opened the door he called her name softly so as not to startle her. Stella? No answer. The apartment was dark, no lights on anywhere. "Stell?" He called a little louder. Silence. He turned on the hall light and went into the kitchen. It was clean, no dirty dishes, nothing out of place. He put the soup down and headed toward the back of the apartment. The door to her bedroom was ajar. He peeked in and saw her on curled up on the bed. Mac breathed a sigh of relief. She was here. She was safe. He could see her chest rise and fall with each breath. He sat down next to her and studied her face as placed his hand on her forehead. It was cool but there were tear tracks on her cheeks and the pillow was damp. She'd been crying.

"Stella" he said while gently touching her shoulder. Stella, it's Mac. She opened her eyes and tried to get her bearings. This can't be right, my bedroom and Mac's voice. "Mac, what are you doing here?" She started to get up. He put his hands on her shoulders to stop her. "No stay where you are, I was worried about you and wanted to make sure you were alright. How are you feeling?" In a millisecond it all came back to her, the entire day's events. She put her hand up to her forehead and closed her eyes for a minute before responding. "Um, I'm okay, just a headache now. It was true she did have a headache. "You didn't have to come over." "Remember what you once told me Stell? It's what we do; we take care of each other. You're my partner." She smiled and put out her hand. "Help me up will you?" "Are you sure you want to get up?" Yeah I'm not sleepy anymore." "We'll I brought some soup if you think you could eat something." "Chicken noodle?" He nodded. "Actually that sounds pretty good. Why don't you get it ready while I freshen up." "Sounds like a plan." He said as he helped her to her feet. He could see something was troubling her and his nagging worry for her returned. Whatever it was he hoped she'd let him help her. As she moved toward the bathroom all she could think of was when she should tell him and how?

Mac left the bedroom and headed back towards the kitchen. His eyes spied a loose paper on the floor near the table. He picked it up and opened the folder to put it back when he noticed the title. He felt his heart sink as his mind processed the words. "What to do to prepare for your breast biopsy." Oh God, not Stella, please. Now he understood. His nagging worry just turned into full fledged fear. He would be there for her. He'd see her through it. Mac went to the kitchen and began preparing the meal wondering who would speak of it first? Will she tell me or do I tell her I know?


	3. Chapter 3 Diagnosis pt 2

First You Cry Chapter 3 – Diagnosis pt II

Stella faced the mirror and stared at her reflection. It was the first time since the discovery this morning that she had seen herself. Her hand moved up and felt for the lump. It was still there. What was it Dr. Phillips had said? It was low but seemed close to the chest wall? What did that mean? She'd have to do more research. As she washed her face she thought about Mac in the other room making dinner. Should I tell him now? Should I wait until after the biopsy? I might as well tell him now, maybe it will help. He's going to know something's wrong. After a few minutes lost in thought she washed her face, put her hair up and threw on a clean pair of jeans and a sweater. "You can do this," she whispered to herself as she left the bathroom.

Mac had managed to create a beautiful dining area in record time. Tall white tapers were lit in the center of the table and two bowls of steaming soup sat atop colorful placemats with matching napkins secured by ceramic napkin rings. Jazz music played softly in the background. He knew she needed a diversion, something to take her mind off the one thing that must be consuming her every thought. While setting the table he decided he'd wait for her to tell him. She'd need to have some control over the situation. Hopefully it would be sooner than later. He wanted to be there for her. Stella was the strongest woman he knew but at times also the most fragile. She had no family and few friends outside the lab.

Stella emerged from the bedroom and gazed at the scene in front of her. She couldn't help but smile. "Mac, how did you, where …" she couldn't find the words to express her feelings.

"Shh, don't say anything, just sit down, relax and let the soup work its magic." he said as he pulled out a chair for her to sit on. Dinner went smoothly. They talked mostly about work. Mac told her about the two new cases that had come in and actually got Stella to laugh when he told her that Adam had flooded an area of the lab with bubbles in an experiment gone awry.

"Thanks Mac, this was the perfect medicine" she said as she started to get up to clear the dishes. He stopped her. "No, you go and sit down on the couch; I'll clean this up and bring out the coffee. It'll just take a minute."

"But Mac, I..." "No buts," he said, putting his hand up and then pointing to the couch. "You've had a rough day, go and get comfortable, that's an order." "You win" she said and headed toward the living room.

Stella knew the moment had arrived. She was sitting with her left leg tucked underneath her and had a throw pillow in her lap. She reached up and took the mug of hot liquid from Mac's hands. "Thanks" "Don't' thank me yet, you haven't tasted it." He quipped. That brought a smile to her face. He sat down next to her and after taking sip and nodding in approval she put the mug down on the table, took a deep breath and spoke.

"Mac, there's something I have to tell you."

"What is it Stell?"

"I wasn't really sick today – well I was but not in the way you think, it's just that… God, I don't know if I can say it - I haven't said it out loud yet." "This just isn't fair!"

She was losing control. Her eyes began to water and she looked away.

He reached out and took her hand.

"Stella, look at me" He moved his other hand to her chin and gently turned it until she faced him. He couldn't bear her suffering alone anymore.

"I know."

She shook her head and looked away. "No, Mac you don't, you see I have… I mean I found… there's a…" She couldn't bring herself to say it out loud.

"Stella, look at me." She turned back to face him.

"I know about the biopsy. I found your appointment paper on the floor in the hall."

She stared in disbelief. Tears began to run down her cheeks. Mac reached over and pulled her into his arms.

"I'm here for you," he whispered into her ear. "You don't have to do this alone. We'll fight this together." You're going to be okay." He was saying it as much for himself as for her, seemingly willing them both to believe it.

He held her for several minutes trying to send strength and support through his arms. Stella eventually regained her composure and they began to talk. She filled him on the day's events and while they never used the "C" word it was always first in their thoughts. Mac listened to her every word and read each page in her folder desperately looking for answers. Then they moved to the computer and checked out the recommended websites on breast biopsies. After a couple of hours Stella let out a yawn and that was Mac's cue to leave. He stood up, moved behind her and gently placed his hands on her shoulders.

"I'm going to get going. You need to rest Stella. It's been a long day."

"You can say that again." She sighed as she stood up and turned to face him.

"When you get a date for the biopsy let me know, I want to take you."

"Thanks for the offer Mac, but I can do that on my own. You'd just be sitting, no; you'd be pacing in the waiting room. You should go to the lab and let work distract you." She smiled.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow. Try to get some sleep. Call me if you need anything."

"I will Mac." She reached out and pulled him into a hug. "Thanks for tonight. I'm glad you know."

"So am I. I'll be here whenever you need me, we'll get through this. He held her as though she would disappear if he let go. He knew her world had changed today but so had his. Stella was more than his partner, she was his best friend. He would do anything to protect her, keep her safe, but this was something he couldn't control. The only thing he could do was be there for her and make sure she had the best care possible.

He pulled away slightly and kissed her forehead. "See you tomorrow." She nodded and walked him to the door. "Good night Stella." "Goodnight Mac."


End file.
